Not On My Ass

Janet has been cracking me up with so many stories recently that I decided to ask her to join our humble blog. I simply can't type as fast as she tells me her stories. Thankfully, she agreed to join us. I'd therefore like to take this time to welcome the beautiful, charming and downright slutty Janet to this blog. Let the madness begin!! If you can't wait for her posts, you might want to read her first one here .

It is very simple to make a man happy in bed. Forward-fast to the time you are actually getting down. 1. Be Vulgar - This is not an opportune time to use terms like "Appendages". Profanity is encouraged and you even have a chance to order and command without any worries. 2. Inflate his ego - Every 2 seconds mentions 2 words. These words have to contain the words "Big" and "Very". This can only be interrupted with loud gasps of air, moaning and groaning. 3. Do not engage in distracting discussion. e.g. Do not ask questions like "When do you think you will get that promotion?" at this time. and don't get tempted to do "When do we get married?" even if the going is good. 4. Have all the toys and gadgets at arms length. This is a time for removing what's left( if any...) of the lingerie not putting it on. 5. Feel and act sexy. Be proud, confident and sure of yourself. 6. Look Jovial and excited. Keen and like you are having the be

I'm not quite sure where I stand with regards to abortion. I'm still trying to figure out why the thought or mention of it forces chills down my spine, a lump into my throat and painful tears into my eyes. My father has often stated that once a woman decides to have an abortion, she will do anything and everything to get rid of the child prior to birth. He therefore advocated for legal and safe abortions to be made available. Initially, I didn't quite understand his argument. Today, however, I agree with him. I was pushed over the cliff by the situation in South Dakota that has prompted women to start considering Do-It-Yourself Abortions ! The potential dangers of this are obvious. A man can easily identify with the horrors of self-circumcision which pale in comparison to self-executed abortions. One thing is certain: Women need to be protected whatever they decide. Filed Under: Serious Things

Are smoother and their discourse is finer because it has been tried, tested and stamped a bill of good health Their sex is obviously better; they get ideas from various women which they are only too eager to share with their spouses They do not waste trying to gratify their unquenchable need for sex from just their women; their spouses are free and happier. They present a more exciting package since they come with new surprises of tricks and tips they learn and keep learning from various other women. They keep themselves in hot form, physically, mentally or/and otherwise. Since there are many judges who are continuously assessing and grading them. They are not jealous since they understand the boredom monotony generates, and in the event their spouses cheat on them in return... they understand. They will not leave their spouses for such an understandable act based on the circumstances. Their spouses are free to explore sexual adventures and still know That there is someone to do the se

It is a mistake to consider man and woman two separate beings. They are no more than two halves of a single form, two converse hemispheres that fit tightly together to make a perfect whole. They are heaven and earth encapsulated in flesh and blood. It is only that on its way to enter this world, this sphere was shattered apart. What was once the infinity of a perfect globe became two finite surfaces. What was once a duet of sublime harmony became two bizarre solos of unfinished motions, of unresolved discord. So much so, that each one hears in itself only half a melody, and so too it hears in the other. Each sees the other and says, "That is broken." Feigning wholeness, the two halves wander aimlessly in space alone. Until each fragment allows itself to surrender, to admit that it too is broken. Only then can it search for the warmth it is missing. For the depth of its own self that was ripped away. For the harmony that will make sense of its song. And in perfect union, two f

Another story, this time told by my friend, Janet . I've edited it heavily because the girl simply can't write to save her life. As always, this is another story I can definitely relate to. We've all probably had one or several. We all understand the game. We know the risks but still we play. The CFA is the greatest invention after sliced bread. For those of you who do not know what CFA stands for, let me break it down: Imagine that you're not looking for a relationship. Boyfriends are generally cumbersome and unreliable. Finally, let's be honest, which hairy chested man is ever faithful to one woman? A girl, however, still has needs that have to be satisfied. I mean, seriously, even the batteries for the vibrator wear out eventually. In addition, even the best vibrator is not very good at cuddling. It is for these situations that a girl must have a Convenient Fucking Arrangement . This is the guy you call when you need some good loving with no b

My friend, Paul , saw the last post and wanted to share his story. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I have. In my long life I've dated some famous chics and one chic who wishes she was famous. Trust me, it's worse than dating someone famous. Famous chics are paranoid for a good reason. The paparazzi are everywhere and their image is everything. Wanna-be famous chics are paranoid for no reason at all! They imagine everyone is watching what they're doing when the truth is that no one gives two hoots about them. In a ridiculous display of vanity, they imagine that all eyes are on them all the time when the reality is that they might as well be a fly on the wall. I had seen this particular chic severally but only got to know her early this year. Her name is Nyambura. Nyambura is your typical Kikuyu chic: Obsessed with rich men even though she adamantly denies that she's a gold digger. For what it's worth, I believe her. I don't have any gold

I've just received this email from a friend. I found it so funny that I'm going to reproduce it here and shamelessly ignore any copyright that was not mentioned. ( warning: This post has heavy cultural subtext. It can only be understood if you are a Kenyan or understand Kenyan and Kikuyu lingo) I found this hilarious because every dude and chic, including myself, have been in this position (eh..em.. situation) once or twice. Chic: (calls jmburus) "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. we do some nyama ?" jmburus: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees ... "Sawa sweetie.. how about buffet park Shall I pick u at 2 ?" Chic: Sawa.. laterz. ( jmburus amukas from Friday's hengies, showers, jeans n polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms, then drives to the chics crib.. So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks. ) jmburus: (to chic) : So what do u want to have .. ? Chic: just anything... ( aki these

Recently, I was looking at the logs for this blog and noticed that one particular post has become popular among readers. It was posted by Lesaan in June last year. The post was titled Loved and Lost . In that post, Lesaan, in a rare display of vulnerability and emotion, detailed her experience of heartbreak. The post was very deep and the comments that resulted were equally interesting. I was shocked when I read the comments I made on that post. Naivety is a strange and embarassing thing. In fact, I was so embarassed to read my own words that I was tempted to delete those comments so that no one would know how ignorant I am concerning matters of the heart. Sadly, deleting that comment wouldn't help because I've found those comments on Google's infinite cache as well as a host of other search engines. As a wise man said: Google never forgets . But I digress. My comments were along the lines of: "Get over it... you'll heal, time sorts out every

When Paul sent me this, I was a bit nervous about posting it. However, it's simply too good to keep to myself. Enjoy his wisdom. I love porn. I'm a man. Of course I love porn. When I watch Briana Banks , Jenna Jameson or Flick Shagwell do their thing, I can't help but wish that my girlfriend would be as freaky, playing with toys, sloppy blow jobs, anal craziness and experimenting with hard core bedroom games. In my first couple of relationships, I would suffer in silence. Sure, I was having plenty of sex but no one could come close to my favourite porn stars. The good news is that with age comes experience. I've learned how to turn every woman I sleep with into a bona fide porn star . These days, even the most frigid, conservative and church going women end up turning into raging nymphomaniacs. ( I'm assuming you already have a woman you can use this on. This article won't tell you how to actually get a woman. ) Your wife is a porn star T