Heart break - when it feels like your heart has been ripped from your rip cage, thrown on the floor, where it shattered into a million pieces, and the pieces thrown randomly back into the place where the heart, when it was whole, used to occupy.
When all you want is to crawl into a dark corner and never ever see light again. When the dark corner ends up being your bed, where you curl up into the foetal position and hug yourself tight, never intending to let go. Your mind won't stop churning, no matter how many times you tell it to SHUT UP, dredging, finding the memories - the first date, the first kiss, the first anniversary, the first gift, when he said he loved you.
Suddenly, as if pricked with a pin, you jump out of bed and rammage like one possessed for the photos - that made a feable attempt to capture the happiness - the cards, the notes, with words that promised eternal love, the preserved petals, from that first bouquet of roses, that were sent 'just because'.. the words that declared eternal and undying love..and the teacherous heart, begins to whisper.. perhaps you can go back to what you had before, to the happiness clearly visible through the photos, perhaps it's not all lost.. but as suddenly as the energy flowed through you body, it's spent.
Hot tears roll down your cheeks, the sobs begin and slowly you crawl back to bed, to the now familiar foetal position, where the sobs now take over your body..oh what you would give for this pain to end. And finally after what seems like hour, days of sobbing, you're finally numb but you know it's only a short reprive the pain will be back...
How do you cure a broken heart? And please, not the age old adage of 'time heals all wounds..
When all you want is to crawl into a dark corner and never ever see light again. When the dark corner ends up being your bed, where you curl up into the foetal position and hug yourself tight, never intending to let go. Your mind won't stop churning, no matter how many times you tell it to SHUT UP, dredging, finding the memories - the first date, the first kiss, the first anniversary, the first gift, when he said he loved you.
Suddenly, as if pricked with a pin, you jump out of bed and rammage like one possessed for the photos - that made a feable attempt to capture the happiness - the cards, the notes, with words that promised eternal love, the preserved petals, from that first bouquet of roses, that were sent 'just because'.. the words that declared eternal and undying love..and the teacherous heart, begins to whisper.. perhaps you can go back to what you had before, to the happiness clearly visible through the photos, perhaps it's not all lost.. but as suddenly as the energy flowed through you body, it's spent.
Hot tears roll down your cheeks, the sobs begin and slowly you crawl back to bed, to the now familiar foetal position, where the sobs now take over your body..oh what you would give for this pain to end. And finally after what seems like hour, days of sobbing, you're finally numb but you know it's only a short reprive the pain will be back...
How do you cure a broken heart? And please, not the age old adage of 'time heals all wounds..
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Suddenly you realize that it is not just your mind that controls what you do. Your heart bleed and shakes and your whole body and soul does the same.
You hate yourself. And you feel you are truly worthless... friendly assurance turn into spite when they get to your ears.
smiles to mocking laughter.
And you can see that empathy in everyone's eyes
And you loathe it.
the volume of the radio is too low, you can't hear anything, you just keep on adding the bass as you move closer to the speakers but you can't hear a thing. It suddenly does not matter it is the very legendary Bobby McFerrin's "dont worry, be happy" is sounds a little more, "your baby, is happy, coz she is fucking, your buddy"
The only song you can sort of feel is "I hate you so much right now" - Kelis And Eamon's Fuck It seems to bring a smile to your face- okay no that was a grimace. but it was something at least.
The funny thing is every damn radio, seems to be playing - Never Find Someone Like You By Keith Martin!!!
And everyone around you seem to be kissing, squeezing, giggling with someone! is it the mating season?
Sometimes you find you have yourself curled up in a corner(that foetal position Lesaan) and you are crying, sobbing and thumping, kicking and shouting.
Your find you have dialed the devil's number and you are craving for that voice, no one picks the phone, you try again and again. Your hide your number and try. The other phone goes off, and you hear the metallic crappy default saf-com message "if you like to leave a message..." like my ass!!! what kind of word is that. You want to say "fuck you, you aids-infested assless iguana..." but you say "er,,, just calling to see... eerr... how your doing... hope you are ... have a nice day..." your credit ends before. You say that you can work things out again. We just need a chance bana. We can do it!
Then you hate yourself for doing all that.
Food! Food is terrible. Pizza tastes just like sticky rubber.
Your true friends. Those are the best people. You try not to cry on their shoulders, and curse every one of the six- billion people on this earth- but you do it anyway. you want to leave them alone to continue with their lives... I mean you are strong. You can handle yourself. but there you are again. And you feel like they are just tolerating you... but are beginning to hate your grounching ass.
Work, exams... they used to scare you. But now it doesn't matter!
Your hair, your movies, your novels, your tu-gadgets... They are just there.
You just try to maintain them.
You feel actually you know that you are really stupid and you saw it coming.
You feel like the ugliest piece of fucking shit that was ever crapped on any soil.
Whenever you go to the supermarket(when you can pull yourself together, or when someone pulls you! ) you find yourself in either the liquer section or the axe section.
Life is a nightmare and you want to wake up, but when you do wake up you get into another new nightmare it is like you are caught in a labyrinth only this time you want the Minotaur to pulverize you until you are no more. You desperately look for it. You want to die. You are sure whatever else lies in the unknown death zone is definitely better than those moans, that smile, those damn fucking sexy eyes...
But slowly....
somehow...
the heart cures itself...
It never forgets...
but just let's go...
at it's own time...
A broken heart is a wonderful experience with one can use to evolve. I personally find that my life goes in cycles which are punctuated by tremendous heartbreak. There is, paradoxically, no loss in this.
I believe we have to regularly destroy and rebuild [ourselves]. We have to be the proverbial phoenix that burns in a massive conflagration only to rise from the ashes with a visage more beautiful, a body more powerful and a more cogent essence with which to change present and future reality...
Embrace the heartbreak, go through the motions and arise stronger, more beautiful, more powerful, more stoic and [most importantly] more ready for love than ever before.
There will be no comfort of something assured... Everything will be a chance.
Plus if you have a rich imagination... the things you can do are out of this world. Just think of the possibilities...
And for the first time... your conscience will not intervene.
plus there is no pressure of trying to make an impression!
If you used to do things coz you have to be sensitive to someone. Or not do others coz someone hates them! You can now do them the way you like! and as many times and you please.
Travel anywhere
Listen to anything
talk to anyone
do anything
Lesaan, just knowing that you'll get there(that just recovered stage) some day is reason to feel a lot better.
Plus what yoda says it is being washed with fire.
The lessons you will learn/have learnt are invaluable. You have been moulded and smelted into a better person.
you may not believe it now, but later on you will see that it is good that it ended. And in the value of the relationship in its totality were not worth it. I know it may sound presposterous right now, but I believe if a realtionship breaks up... there was something really! wrong with it.
I guess you can cure a broken heart by the knowing that it will not be broken for long. when you find new love, you will definitely find love and what true rich love it will be.
And if I may quote from a great writer:
Falling out of love is very enlightening. For a short while you see the world with new eyes.
Iris Murdoch
But I think lesaan wanted cures...