More people than I imagine read the posts on this blog. As I result I got a lot of pushback from my previous post. Friends sent me private mail, others were pissed that I blog naked, and so on.
My Lies
The most important piece of information I got, was during a four hour phone call with one of my "teachers" who kept me awake from 1am to 4am today morning. I was verbally beaten up about the lies in the previous post.
The lies, were primarily about the subject of the post. I've realized that my recent depressed state has led me to colour everything I say with dark shades of yellow, grey and black. I have realized that the world I was seeing was not real.
Allow me, in this post, to tell the truth:
I Was Full of Crap
Just typing that was painful... But the truth always is painful. When I really thinking about my less than stellar love life, I realize that I can be defined by one word: Mistakes. I make many of them, frequently.... Repeatedly... The worst part about it is that given the frequency of my mistakes, one could easily believe that they're intentional.
Not many people who really get to know me can stand my mistakes. As a result I often try to keep people at a safe distance. I'm often promised that if I open up, my mistakes will be accepted. Not true! I'm not sure there is a human alive who can stand my little idiosyncrasies. The default personality I have just isn't good enough for public display. So I hide it and use the other persona, the alter ego.
I Was Ungrateful
Considering how I've lived, I wonder how I could sound so negative. I'm am the most blessed person on the planet. In truth, that relationship was far from the way I described. I made it sound like I was never happy. I made it sound like, it was a labour of love marked by my sadness and stress. In short, I lied.
The truth, is that those months were the happiest times in my life. Never have I felt more complete. Never have I felt more fulfilled. We spend our entire lives searching for meaning, prodding in the darkness hoping to strike that pot of gold that will reveal to us why we were actually placed on the planet. I am one of the few men to have found it, through the love of another.
During that time, I was unstoppable. I had infinite power, infinite energy. Every step of mine was powered by a rocket fuelled by that elixir of love. Every movement of my feet was a step so powerful it turned concrete into sand. I'd wake up in the morning and fly out of my bed. The sun would greet me with the most lovely smile. The birds would sing with me as I walked to the bus stop. The wind would fill my sails and send me forth onto the sea of life like an albatross through the sky.
Somehow, somewhere along the way, I got so enveloped in my world that I built an wall around me. The wall was impenetrable. I can imagine that everyone around me felt alienated. In truth, my ambition devoured me so completely that only hindsight provides me with a clear picture.
I can't remember ever earnestly thanking her for all that she was doing for me. I can't remember ever showing my gratitude. That one month when I went into work overdrive was the one that did the most damage. How did I let things get so bad? How? How could I have been so blind?
The bottom line is that she was perfect (Update:Obviously I've lied again... no one is perfect and to make someone think they are is absolutely dangerous. My experience has been that if you convince someone they are perfect then they are totally blind to the times they hurt you. They become convinced that they are always right and you are wrong. They completely forget that love is about realizing that both lovers hold swords and both hold shields. Both do harm, some more than others. The point of love is to make each other stronger by healing each others wounds, not completely denying all that was. The most important thing in love is compromise.)
I can say that without fear. I can say that because I know it is the truth. How could I ever distance myself from perfection? Am I mad?
I Was Too Bloody Arrogant
Perhaps it's my Luo heritage. But that's a lame excuse. Reality is that I'm often too arrogant for my own good (Cosmic Leap, stop nodding in agreement!). This is one flaw I'm determined to correct even if it costs me my life...
I often sound condescending without intending to sound that way. It's just one of those annoying flaws I've always had.. But I'm fixing it and I think I'm mostly rid of it....
I'm Learning
Cosmic Leap taught me to always strive for perfection. This perfection is a trait that I have been striving for all my life. That I haven't achieved it yet is not important. Perfection is a journey, not an end in itself.
Make no mistake. I am going to evolve into a better and better person with every moment that passes. Those close to me are not experiments or test beds on which I pour my flaws in order to see how the chemicals react! Those close to me, are the very people who've got me where I am. Without my friends, without my previous relationship, I would not be as mentally or spiritually strong as I am now.
I have been forged and tempered by everything that has happened to me. It is all for the better.
I'm tremendously grateful
I have indeed lived a perfect life. I understand that only those who practice gratitude can receive the best. Consider the friend I described some time ago. I've never seen him sad.
More importantly, consider Lesaan. She has been promoted more times this year than the sun has risen. Never once have I seen her sad. There's a relationship between her meteoric rise and her sunny disposition. That relationship is not coincidental. It is fundamental to success. Compare her to an equally\harder working colleague who's disposition is always glum, poker faced and sad. You'll notice that their bank balances are as different as their moods with Lesaan's in the higher reaches of 6 figures and the other in the lower reaches of the thousands....
I therefore realize that I have to really be grateful for all I've been given. I really am grateful, from the bottom of my heart. I'm simply too blessed not to be grateful.. No man alive has seen the things I have, no God in heaven has experienced the joys I have. I'm so uniquely blessed that I cannot help but be completely and honestly grateful. No one now or ever, will be able to perceive the sheer wonder of the experiences I've had courtesy of one person.
I'll NEVER Forget
I could never forget. I wouldn't even try to. There's simply too much value in the memory for me to forget. I imagine that this was the same situation Lesaan found herself in.
People spend their whole lives trying to get to feel even an ounce of love. So even if we get heartbroken in the end, why should we try to forget such a wonderful moment? They only come once in a lifetime or never.
I think we should embrace those memories and play them over in our minds in full technicolour detail.Dance in your memories, laugh in your dreams and cry as you relive those wonderful moments. Feel grateful that you were chosen to share happiness with another person, even if it was only for a time.
Most importantly, keep your mind open to spending such moments with that person again. Realize that though you may still feel deeply for the same person, love is a 2 way street and if they don't feel the same then your feelings are in vain. We're often told that we should move to another and forget the past. Don't do it! At least don't hurry to do it. Embrace those moments, give the other person time and if you really loved each other, you will come back together. If the cosmos wills it, the two of you will be joined once more.
Too much blood on my sleeves
So there it is! My heart bleeding as it is on my sleeves. I feel so much happiness now that I know that nothing bad has really happened to me. The recent wave of depression that captured me was simply because I had neglected to think in the proper way and act in the appropriate manner. I've made mistakes but life is all about the inches that make the mile, the pain of that inch, fighting and clawing with our fingernails for that inch and having second chances....
....Life is perfect... And as Wambzz said, it's better to have loved than not at all....
My Lies
The most important piece of information I got, was during a four hour phone call with one of my "teachers" who kept me awake from 1am to 4am today morning. I was verbally beaten up about the lies in the previous post.
The lies, were primarily about the subject of the post. I've realized that my recent depressed state has led me to colour everything I say with dark shades of yellow, grey and black. I have realized that the world I was seeing was not real.
Allow me, in this post, to tell the truth:
I Was Full of Crap
Just typing that was painful... But the truth always is painful. When I really thinking about my less than stellar love life, I realize that I can be defined by one word: Mistakes. I make many of them, frequently.... Repeatedly... The worst part about it is that given the frequency of my mistakes, one could easily believe that they're intentional.
Not many people who really get to know me can stand my mistakes. As a result I often try to keep people at a safe distance. I'm often promised that if I open up, my mistakes will be accepted. Not true! I'm not sure there is a human alive who can stand my little idiosyncrasies. The default personality I have just isn't good enough for public display. So I hide it and use the other persona, the alter ego.
I Was Ungrateful
Considering how I've lived, I wonder how I could sound so negative. I'm am the most blessed person on the planet. In truth, that relationship was far from the way I described. I made it sound like I was never happy. I made it sound like, it was a labour of love marked by my sadness and stress. In short, I lied.
The truth, is that those months were the happiest times in my life. Never have I felt more complete. Never have I felt more fulfilled. We spend our entire lives searching for meaning, prodding in the darkness hoping to strike that pot of gold that will reveal to us why we were actually placed on the planet. I am one of the few men to have found it, through the love of another.
During that time, I was unstoppable. I had infinite power, infinite energy. Every step of mine was powered by a rocket fuelled by that elixir of love. Every movement of my feet was a step so powerful it turned concrete into sand. I'd wake up in the morning and fly out of my bed. The sun would greet me with the most lovely smile. The birds would sing with me as I walked to the bus stop. The wind would fill my sails and send me forth onto the sea of life like an albatross through the sky.
Somehow, somewhere along the way, I got so enveloped in my world that I built an wall around me. The wall was impenetrable. I can imagine that everyone around me felt alienated. In truth, my ambition devoured me so completely that only hindsight provides me with a clear picture.
I can't remember ever earnestly thanking her for all that she was doing for me. I can't remember ever showing my gratitude. That one month when I went into work overdrive was the one that did the most damage. How did I let things get so bad? How? How could I have been so blind?
The bottom line is that she was perfect (Update:Obviously I've lied again... no one is perfect and to make someone think they are is absolutely dangerous. My experience has been that if you convince someone they are perfect then they are totally blind to the times they hurt you. They become convinced that they are always right and you are wrong. They completely forget that love is about realizing that both lovers hold swords and both hold shields. Both do harm, some more than others. The point of love is to make each other stronger by healing each others wounds, not completely denying all that was. The most important thing in love is compromise.)
I can say that without fear. I can say that because I know it is the truth. How could I ever distance myself from perfection? Am I mad?
I Was Too Bloody Arrogant
Perhaps it's my Luo heritage. But that's a lame excuse. Reality is that I'm often too arrogant for my own good (Cosmic Leap, stop nodding in agreement!). This is one flaw I'm determined to correct even if it costs me my life...
I often sound condescending without intending to sound that way. It's just one of those annoying flaws I've always had.. But I'm fixing it and I think I'm mostly rid of it....
I'm Learning
Cosmic Leap taught me to always strive for perfection. This perfection is a trait that I have been striving for all my life. That I haven't achieved it yet is not important. Perfection is a journey, not an end in itself.
Make no mistake. I am going to evolve into a better and better person with every moment that passes. Those close to me are not experiments or test beds on which I pour my flaws in order to see how the chemicals react! Those close to me, are the very people who've got me where I am. Without my friends, without my previous relationship, I would not be as mentally or spiritually strong as I am now.
I have been forged and tempered by everything that has happened to me. It is all for the better.
I'm tremendously grateful
I have indeed lived a perfect life. I understand that only those who practice gratitude can receive the best. Consider the friend I described some time ago. I've never seen him sad.
More importantly, consider Lesaan. She has been promoted more times this year than the sun has risen. Never once have I seen her sad. There's a relationship between her meteoric rise and her sunny disposition. That relationship is not coincidental. It is fundamental to success. Compare her to an equally\harder working colleague who's disposition is always glum, poker faced and sad. You'll notice that their bank balances are as different as their moods with Lesaan's in the higher reaches of 6 figures and the other in the lower reaches of the thousands....
I therefore realize that I have to really be grateful for all I've been given. I really am grateful, from the bottom of my heart. I'm simply too blessed not to be grateful.. No man alive has seen the things I have, no God in heaven has experienced the joys I have. I'm so uniquely blessed that I cannot help but be completely and honestly grateful. No one now or ever, will be able to perceive the sheer wonder of the experiences I've had courtesy of one person.
I'll NEVER Forget
I could never forget. I wouldn't even try to. There's simply too much value in the memory for me to forget. I imagine that this was the same situation Lesaan found herself in.
People spend their whole lives trying to get to feel even an ounce of love. So even if we get heartbroken in the end, why should we try to forget such a wonderful moment? They only come once in a lifetime or never.
I think we should embrace those memories and play them over in our minds in full technicolour detail.
Most importantly, keep your mind open to spending such moments with that person again. Realize that though you may still feel deeply for the same person, love is a 2 way street and if they don't feel the same then your feelings are in vain. We're often told that we should move to another and forget the past. Don't do it! At least don't hurry to do it. Embrace those moments, give the other person time and if you really loved each other, you will come back together. If the cosmos wills it, the two of you will be joined once more.
Too much blood on my sleeves
So there it is! My heart bleeding as it is on my sleeves. I feel so much happiness now that I know that nothing bad has really happened to me. The recent wave of depression that captured me was simply because I had neglected to think in the proper way and act in the appropriate manner. I've made mistakes but life is all about the inches that make the mile, the pain of that inch, fighting and clawing with our fingernails for that inch and having second chances....
....Life is perfect... And as Wambzz said, it's better to have loved than not at all....
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