Not On My Ass

The rain pours on and I stare at the ceiling in the house, trying to forget yet another stupid heart break… Years have gone by as fast as minutes and over time. Dreams have turned into memories, some good; some bad, other dreams have just been shelved away and forgotten. Time flies by ever so faithfully and consistently. If only we were like time… Doing what we are meant to do instead of getting lost in frivolous activity. If only we were so reliable… But then life will be boring, wouldn’t it? It is the risks and uncertainties that make us laugh, cry, hope and strive. I look at the rain against the window. I feel like my tears are flowing at the same pace, but nothing matters now… If only I... (sniff)... no more regrets ... It is over… Again… It is over again. I just don't seem to learn... In fact, the world seems to promises yet another string of misadventures. I look at the screen of the phone and I envy it… So unemotional… Just buzzing away. I must have pressed the speed dial on

After all the controversy from Paul's last post, I've spent the whole evening trying to convince him to grow a pair and post for himself. His excuse was that he's too busy writing his own books and working on some "indie" movies. I told him that this blog will be the perfect way for him to sell himself to a new group of people. Well.. a few beers later and after promising him five young kenyan virgins as gifts, he's agreed to join us. So let's all welcome Paul "The Contrarian". He's sure to inject a lot more spice into this blog ( God knows I can't do it! ) For a taste of the controversy from the last post, you'll want to check out the following: Au Lait: So You Want A Slut In Bed? Sexoteric: How To Make a Woman Do Anything In Bed Digg Personally, I've noticed a rather 50-50 reaction though women seem to be more open minded, in general, than guys. I found it sad to see that so many married folk absolutely cannot imagine

Janet has been cracking me up with so many stories recently that I decided to ask her to join our humble blog. I simply can't type as fast as she tells me her stories. Thankfully, she agreed to join us. I'd therefore like to take this time to welcome the beautiful, charming and downright slutty Janet to this blog. Let the madness begin!! If you can't wait for her posts, you might want to read her first one here .

It is very simple to make a man happy in bed. Forward-fast to the time you are actually getting down. 1. Be Vulgar - This is not an opportune time to use terms like "Appendages". Profanity is encouraged and you even have a chance to order and command without any worries. 2. Inflate his ego - Every 2 seconds mentions 2 words. These words have to contain the words "Big" and "Very". This can only be interrupted with loud gasps of air, moaning and groaning. 3. Do not engage in distracting discussion. e.g. Do not ask questions like "When do you think you will get that promotion?" at this time. and don't get tempted to do "When do we get married?" even if the going is good. 4. Have all the toys and gadgets at arms length. This is a time for removing what's left( if any...) of the lingerie not putting it on. 5. Feel and act sexy. Be proud, confident and sure of yourself. 6. Look Jovial and excited. Keen and like you are having the be

I'm not quite sure where I stand with regards to abortion. I'm still trying to figure out why the thought or mention of it forces chills down my spine, a lump into my throat and painful tears into my eyes. My father has often stated that once a woman decides to have an abortion, she will do anything and everything to get rid of the child prior to birth. He therefore advocated for legal and safe abortions to be made available. Initially, I didn't quite understand his argument. Today, however, I agree with him. I was pushed over the cliff by the situation in South Dakota that has prompted women to start considering Do-It-Yourself Abortions ! The potential dangers of this are obvious. A man can easily identify with the horrors of self-circumcision which pale in comparison to self-executed abortions. One thing is certain: Women need to be protected whatever they decide. Filed Under: Serious Things

Are smoother and their discourse is finer because it has been tried, tested and stamped a bill of good health Their sex is obviously better; they get ideas from various women which they are only too eager to share with their spouses They do not waste trying to gratify their unquenchable need for sex from just their women; their spouses are free and happier. They present a more exciting package since they come with new surprises of tricks and tips they learn and keep learning from various other women. They keep themselves in hot form, physically, mentally or/and otherwise. Since there are many judges who are continuously assessing and grading them. They are not jealous since they understand the boredom monotony generates, and in the event their spouses cheat on them in return... they understand. They will not leave their spouses for such an understandable act based on the circumstances. Their spouses are free to explore sexual adventures and still know That there is someone to do the se

It is a mistake to consider man and woman two separate beings. They are no more than two halves of a single form, two converse hemispheres that fit tightly together to make a perfect whole. They are heaven and earth encapsulated in flesh and blood. It is only that on its way to enter this world, this sphere was shattered apart. What was once the infinity of a perfect globe became two finite surfaces. What was once a duet of sublime harmony became two bizarre solos of unfinished motions, of unresolved discord. So much so, that each one hears in itself only half a melody, and so too it hears in the other. Each sees the other and says, "That is broken." Feigning wholeness, the two halves wander aimlessly in space alone. Until each fragment allows itself to surrender, to admit that it too is broken. Only then can it search for the warmth it is missing. For the depth of its own self that was ripped away. For the harmony that will make sense of its song. And in perfect union, two f

Another story, this time told by my friend, Janet . I've edited it heavily because the girl simply can't write to save her life. As always, this is another story I can definitely relate to. We've all probably had one or several. We all understand the game. We know the risks but still we play. The CFA is the greatest invention after sliced bread. For those of you who do not know what CFA stands for, let me break it down: Imagine that you're not looking for a relationship. Boyfriends are generally cumbersome and unreliable. Finally, let's be honest, which hairy chested man is ever faithful to one woman? A girl, however, still has needs that have to be satisfied. I mean, seriously, even the batteries for the vibrator wear out eventually. In addition, even the best vibrator is not very good at cuddling. It is for these situations that a girl must have a Convenient Fucking Arrangement . This is the guy you call when you need some good loving with no b

My friend, Paul , saw the last post and wanted to share his story. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I have. In my long life I've dated some famous chics and one chic who wishes she was famous. Trust me, it's worse than dating someone famous. Famous chics are paranoid for a good reason. The paparazzi are everywhere and their image is everything. Wanna-be famous chics are paranoid for no reason at all! They imagine everyone is watching what they're doing when the truth is that no one gives two hoots about them. In a ridiculous display of vanity, they imagine that all eyes are on them all the time when the reality is that they might as well be a fly on the wall. I had seen this particular chic severally but only got to know her early this year. Her name is Nyambura. Nyambura is your typical Kikuyu chic: Obsessed with rich men even though she adamantly denies that she's a gold digger. For what it's worth, I believe her. I don't have any gold

I've just received this email from a friend. I found it so funny that I'm going to reproduce it here and shamelessly ignore any copyright that was not mentioned. ( warning: This post has heavy cultural subtext. It can only be understood if you are a Kenyan or understand Kenyan and Kikuyu lingo) I found this hilarious because every dude and chic, including myself, have been in this position (eh..em.. situation) once or twice. Chic: (calls jmburus) "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. we do some nyama ?" jmburus: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees ... "Sawa sweetie.. how about buffet park Shall I pick u at 2 ?" Chic: Sawa.. laterz. ( jmburus amukas from Friday's hengies, showers, jeans n polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms, then drives to the chics crib.. So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks. ) jmburus: (to chic) : So what do u want to have .. ? Chic: just anything... ( aki these

Recently, I was looking at the logs for this blog and noticed that one particular post has become popular among readers. It was posted by Lesaan in June last year. The post was titled Loved and Lost . In that post, Lesaan, in a rare display of vulnerability and emotion, detailed her experience of heartbreak. The post was very deep and the comments that resulted were equally interesting. I was shocked when I read the comments I made on that post. Naivety is a strange and embarassing thing. In fact, I was so embarassed to read my own words that I was tempted to delete those comments so that no one would know how ignorant I am concerning matters of the heart. Sadly, deleting that comment wouldn't help because I've found those comments on Google's infinite cache as well as a host of other search engines. As a wise man said: Google never forgets . But I digress. My comments were along the lines of: "Get over it... you'll heal, time sorts out every

When Paul sent me this, I was a bit nervous about posting it. However, it's simply too good to keep to myself. Enjoy his wisdom. I love porn. I'm a man. Of course I love porn. When I watch Briana Banks , Jenna Jameson or Flick Shagwell do their thing, I can't help but wish that my girlfriend would be as freaky, playing with toys, sloppy blow jobs, anal craziness and experimenting with hard core bedroom games. In my first couple of relationships, I would suffer in silence. Sure, I was having plenty of sex but no one could come close to my favourite porn stars. The good news is that with age comes experience. I've learned how to turn every woman I sleep with into a bona fide porn star . These days, even the most frigid, conservative and church going women end up turning into raging nymphomaniacs. ( I'm assuming you already have a woman you can use this on. This article won't tell you how to actually get a woman. ) Your wife is a porn star T

Today I read a post that simply brought tears to my eyes. In it, the author describes his wonderful wife and how their honeymoon is in its seventeeth year . The reason tears clouded my eyes is because I'm a romantic at heart. It sounds strange for me to say that. All the contributors to this blog are workaholics and to us (with the possible exception of CosmicLeap), "ro-mantic" sounds like a type of new fangled cement mixer. Why then, did this post rip something within me apart? While I was reading it, I was also listening to Ne-yo's new album , In My Own Words . The track " So Sick " began to play. This track is about heartbreak . The lyrics are evocative and heart rending. In it, he sings my life with his words: Gotta change my answering machine Now that I'm alone Cuz right now it says that we Can't come to the phone And I know it makes no sense Cuz you walked out the door But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore (it's r

If I had known this a long time ago, I'd be so much more successful with women. Sadly, it's taken me this long to learn. This is the kind of advice I'll give my son once he turns fourteen. Had I known this years ago, my sex life would be much more active:). Once again, I'm shamelessly quoting an article. This one is titled: HOWTO Listen To Women . Let’s begin with an illustration. What would you say? She: “My landlord is a jerk. When I ask him to fix things, he’s always late and grouchy about it. He always brings up the time that I was two weeks late paying…” You (reasonable but stupid): “Yeah, landlords are all that way. You just have to put up with it.” Do not give advice. You (stupider): “You should get a new apartment.” Do not solve the problem. You (stupidest): “Why didn’t you pay him?” Do not criticize. This is where the secret begins. Most men would have given one of the stupid answers. They seem perfectly reasonable from their point of view. When a woma

Long after a relationship ends , I often find that I live in a dream world. I withdraw into my safe shell , avoid going clubbing, avoid dating, socialising or doing anything that might accidentally result in me meeting my ex. Even though I've more or less convinced myself that I've moved on, time always proves that I'm a fickle overemotional bastard... So let me tell you about a recent weekend... I decided to go out after a long period of staying away from public life . I'd been silent for long enough and like a new born calf, I wanted to test my unsteady, shaky legs in the normal world. So on the weekend in question, I stepped out of my cave, shivering and shaking wondering what the night had in store. I was actually intent on getting a pretty young thing to take home and wear out with all my pent up sexual energy. My wingmen (the dudes who fly with me into "dangerous situations" with a view to taking down as many birds as possible) and I hi

There are two types of people: those that talk the talk and those that walk the walk. People who walk the walk sometimes talk the talk but most times they don't talk at all, 'cause they walkin'. Now, people who talk the talk, when it comes time for them to walk the walk, you know what they do? They talk people like me into walkin' for them. - Key ( Anthony Anderson in Hustle & Flow )

Ah.. the good old days... do you guys remember the innocent games you played when you were young? Those games seemed so innocent but in hindsight they seem torrid. Like this game I'm sure we all played called sandwhich :) Sandwich involved laying a broad, flat couch pillow down on the floor. This was the bread. Then Lori would pull her pants down around her ankles and lie face down on the pillow. Next, the precocious mastermind three-year-old Dowbrigade would pull down HIS pants and lie down on top of Lori. This accomplished, young Karen would pull down HER pants and get on top of the Dowbrigade. Finally, somehow (for there was no one else to help) we got another of the big, flat pillows and maneuvered it onto the very top of the pile. This was the finished sandwich. Once the sandwich was assembled, the fun would begin. The object, as we seem to remember, was to sway gently and slightly back and forth, gradually increasing the swings in amplitude and speed, balancing more and m

We are one year old now!!! yeepiee!! teething almost crawling it has been one year since the first post(dated 02/02/2005) Thanks everyone All those lovely(and unlovely!) comments! Let's throw the papers in the air in celebration!

Suddenly I am balding and my hair's whitening I am wrinkling and gaining fat in odd places becoming saggy and my stomach's distending Years have flown by... I squint your eyes trying to see through the thick lens looking through the window at the trees swaying from side to side in a distance dancing to the unsteady beat of the wind I am healthy and for my age, I am looking great. But time ticks buy, ever so dutifully So in my mind, death lingers on like a dark shadow following me and my thoughts... the reality of mortality stairs back at me blankly... In my old mind... I try to think about what really matters to me What is important Money? Spouse(s)? Love(s)? Child(ren)? Former Boss? Bully back in Primary School? Piece of land? Phd? God(s) and my relation with him(them)? If any. Friend(s)? Foe(s)? My vehicle(s)? Achievement(s)? What I did and didn't do? Everything seems to fall in place It is now very lucid I now know... What really mattered And I am not sure whether I am

I thought it will be mean of me not to share this very interesting piece. How Do My Genitals Look Today?

Well I was happy to see Yoda's posts, especially since it makes it perfectly clear: What beauty really is. Even XXL knows this. Now. I have nothing but mad respect for the legendary film director - Peter Jackson - The Director of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and of Best selling novel of 2004 Lovely Bones (out 2007) But... King Kong just did not rub me in the right way and I thought I was alone until I stumbled upon Sheryl McCarthy's 'Blonde is beautiful' mystique I must admit I could not agree more! I find this: some what absurd. Let's zoom in: This is rather absurd. I mean surely, Kong should have had better taste. Okay. Naomi Watts is talented and she looks pretty but I mean the figure! Really. Below is her full length picture. I know what you are thinking and I agree. They would have at least put on a sexy bodied lady! Like Jessica alba say. But the connotations of racisms in the movie were truly more on the Skull Island dwellers, they were so black I coul

The ladies above may look familiar to those of us who watch a truck load of music videos. To everyone else, they just look like another pair of models. The ladies above are Ki-Toy Johnson (left) and Buffie the Body . This picture reminded me of a story I was told by a friend of mine who's been living in the United States for some time now. She tells me that she earns $2000 per night for dancing topless !. A quick calculation shows that $2, 000 is approximately half the monthly salary at my previous job and roughly a quarter to a fifth of the salary of the other contributors to this blog! Even more amazing is that Buffie the Body , who is a top ranked celebrity stripper is rumoured to earn ten times that amount: anywhere between $20,000 to $50, 000 and even as high as $100, 000 for a night of her strip tease performance! I'll pause for a moment to let those figures (the money, not their bodies:) sink in. I decided to do a bit of checking on the extreme end of the adult en

In the last post on why men dog , my good friend distilled the theory of man (as distinct from woman ) into one simple concept: sex! I was shocked when one of the commenters, who I believe is a man, argued against the thrust of the post. Afterwards it hit me: Some men have been convinced that they are complex creatures. For ages women have tried to get us in touch with our sensitive side , to the point where we've actually began to believe them and the media. Then, in an amazing example of synchronicity I came along a post on radical simplicity . I've shamelessly quoted the whole post below. Women, please listen: We men are hopelessly simple. We are not as complex or hard to please as you are. It's all black and white (mostly white:))with us: Couple of nights ago, I caught the notorious comedian Dave Chapelle delivering his stand up routine in which he spoke passionately and convincingly about the need for radical simplicity. While talking about how most w