Jaded... Fucking Jaded
Today... I'm jaded... I've been jaded for a while... this isn't the normal me... this isn't the Billionaire Businessman. Today I descend to the depths of depression... I can't helping wading in these dark murky waters.... I try to work... I try to beat my body and mind into submission by working with no sleep but there seems to be no escape from what I feel...
Just a minute ago, while hacking away to drown my mind and listening to the blaring sounds of Kanye West to drown my soul, I found myself overcome by a wave of pain. Just a minute ago I broke into tears that I couldn't control.....
....Fuck it...I'm jaded....
I'm heartbroken just like Lessan was some time ago.. Lesaan asked if it's possible to heal a broken heart. I'll answer with the wisdom that comes with hindsight: IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!. One shouldn't even try to. Bear those scars of love proudly and know that they'll never heal... they will bleed and sore for eternity. They shall be the mark that you dared to love and you lost. They shall be the mark that you are strong enough to be damaged in war and still stand...
Small Changes
The memory of a lost love is too heavy for my shoulders to bear. My life alwasys goes through this systemic destroy and rebuild phases. Recently, I'm forced to remember that this may well be another one of them. I should have seen the signs... My increasing dissatisfaction with Footman-Walker had to come to a head at some point. This week it culminated in me doing what I had earlier planned and handing in my resignation letter. I should have read the signs and known that when my life starts raising conflict between me and everyone close to me then another change-phase has begun.
Heartbreak
What does one do when the one you love loves you no more? What do you do when she decides that:
This was my experience at a time not too far into the past. I couldn't and still can't understand it. I love(d) the woman with all my heart... I had even proposed! (yeah.. I know, go ahead and laugh at my expense).. I had promised that I'd traverse the Billionaire path and bring her back a pot of gold with which to fuel the building of our future. Word from the wise to young lotharios: Do not promise a woman that your net worth will consist of 6 zero's in 6 months unless you are damn well sure that you've got real hair on your chest.
But what was I to do? The wound still rankles. I remember the day like it were happening now:
She says that I can't give her the life she wants. I try to retort. She reminds me of my failed promises and ever changing deadlines. I try to retort but find nothing to say. She reminds me that I'm always working and I never have time for her. I scream inside!!!
I'm working to buy you Nauru, I say internally. Of course I'm always working and our time together suffers. It has to... I'm fucking working 20 hours a day so that I can earn 7 figures. How many 20 year olds do you know who work 20 hours a day, are building their own business, are still in school and want to get married within a year? All these words evaporate before they make it out of my constricted lungs... I feel defeated.. I can't even cry. I try to be a man infront of her. I try to take it well.. I try not to make a scene.
She accuses me of always being tired and in dire need of sleep whenever were together (hence my previous question about how to keep the bedroom exciting). Of course I'm often tired. I sleep less than 4 hours a day for Christ's sake! I'm working... I'm working for us. I'm working for YOU!!!! I know I'm at fault... but why can't I just chill with the woman I love.. why can't I just relax without being judged! I don't judge you... please don't judge me... Why can't I come home and find peace instead of stress awaiting me... Why can't you just love me for me? Why do I have to become Joe or Tom or Ben? Why can't I just be me around you? Why can't I be loved with all my numerous flaws... why?. why?...
She reminds me of all the dates I've missed because I had to work? I'm embarassed.. I'm at fault.. It seems I always am.. I guess she's grown weary of trying to make a right man out of a man who's moving left...
If her eyes could see, she'd have known that I love(d) her with my all. I'd have died for her in an instant without asking questions. I'd have taken a bullet with joy if only to save her and preserve her life. Everything in my life.. From my walk to my talk to my breath to my thought to my hustle to my work to my passion to my energy..everything and more was all due to her. I lived for this one woman... I was created, conceived and born to serve only her... but I guess women don't want to be queens and they don't want a man who adores them enough to be a subject, a slave, a lover, a brother, a friend and a husband...perhaps my breed of man, like the Dodo, is extinct even before we get a chance to exist.
Wild Horses
She took my heart and ran away. She did it violently... unfeelingly...unflinching... and I thought that I was cold! I felt like a victim chained to two charriots of wild horses. I felt like my heart was being torn apart....I could feel the knife sink in slow... I could feel it being malevolently and slowly twisted to make sure that every artery and vein was torn and damaged... I could feel the pain tear my soul in half. I begged for someone to punch my chest hard to beat the broken pieces of my heart back togetether... when she dumped me... A man died... A soul was extinguished...
I walk around hollow these days and even the thought of getting close to someone else sends a chill of pain through my heart that stops me dead in my tracks... Perhaps I'll never be able to give my heart to anyone else. How can I give what I don't even have? My heart was forcefully taken from me... a long time ago...
So that's why I'm jaded... But not for long.. Fuck it.. I'm a worker.. I'm a machine.. I'm built to withstand lots of pressure and to persist in working and creating.... perhaps I'll never have my dynasty.. perhaps even the woman I later dedicate my being to will also ignore my fervent desire to serve... perhaps I'm not built to be in a relationship...
....That's ok.. my heart is somewhere across town.. In an urn underneath someone's bed, burried with the relics of her past...
....That's ok... I'm a worker bee...we weren't built to mate...
Today... I'm jaded... I've been jaded for a while... this isn't the normal me... this isn't the Billionaire Businessman. Today I descend to the depths of depression... I can't helping wading in these dark murky waters.... I try to work... I try to beat my body and mind into submission by working with no sleep but there seems to be no escape from what I feel...
Just a minute ago, while hacking away to drown my mind and listening to the blaring sounds of Kanye West to drown my soul, I found myself overcome by a wave of pain. Just a minute ago I broke into tears that I couldn't control.....
....Fuck it...I'm jaded....
I'm heartbroken just like Lessan was some time ago.. Lesaan asked if it's possible to heal a broken heart. I'll answer with the wisdom that comes with hindsight: IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!. One shouldn't even try to. Bear those scars of love proudly and know that they'll never heal... they will bleed and sore for eternity. They shall be the mark that you dared to love and you lost. They shall be the mark that you are strong enough to be damaged in war and still stand...
Small Changes
The memory of a lost love is too heavy for my shoulders to bear. My life alwasys goes through this systemic destroy and rebuild phases. Recently, I'm forced to remember that this may well be another one of them. I should have seen the signs... My increasing dissatisfaction with Footman-Walker had to come to a head at some point. This week it culminated in me doing what I had earlier planned and handing in my resignation letter. I should have read the signs and known that when my life starts raising conflict between me and everyone close to me then another change-phase has begun.
Heartbreak
What does one do when the one you love loves you no more? What do you do when she decides that:
The spark we initially had is gone..
This was my experience at a time not too far into the past. I couldn't and still can't understand it. I love(d) the woman with all my heart... I had even proposed! (yeah.. I know, go ahead and laugh at my expense).. I had promised that I'd traverse the Billionaire path and bring her back a pot of gold with which to fuel the building of our future. Word from the wise to young lotharios: Do not promise a woman that your net worth will consist of 6 zero's in 6 months unless you are damn well sure that you've got real hair on your chest.
But what was I to do? The wound still rankles. I remember the day like it were happening now:
She says that I can't give her the life she wants. I try to retort. She reminds me of my failed promises and ever changing deadlines. I try to retort but find nothing to say. She reminds me that I'm always working and I never have time for her. I scream inside!!!
I'm working to buy you Nauru, I say internally. Of course I'm always working and our time together suffers. It has to... I'm fucking working 20 hours a day so that I can earn 7 figures. How many 20 year olds do you know who work 20 hours a day, are building their own business, are still in school and want to get married within a year? All these words evaporate before they make it out of my constricted lungs... I feel defeated.. I can't even cry. I try to be a man infront of her. I try to take it well.. I try not to make a scene.
She accuses me of always being tired and in dire need of sleep whenever were together (hence my previous question about how to keep the bedroom exciting). Of course I'm often tired. I sleep less than 4 hours a day for Christ's sake! I'm working... I'm working for us. I'm working for YOU!!!! I know I'm at fault... but why can't I just chill with the woman I love.. why can't I just relax without being judged! I don't judge you... please don't judge me... Why can't I come home and find peace instead of stress awaiting me... Why can't you just love me for me? Why do I have to become Joe or Tom or Ben? Why can't I just be me around you? Why can't I be loved with all my numerous flaws... why?. why?...
She reminds me of all the dates I've missed because I had to work? I'm embarassed.. I'm at fault.. It seems I always am.. I guess she's grown weary of trying to make a right man out of a man who's moving left...
If her eyes could see, she'd have known that I love(d) her with my all. I'd have died for her in an instant without asking questions. I'd have taken a bullet with joy if only to save her and preserve her life. Everything in my life.. From my walk to my talk to my breath to my thought to my hustle to my work to my passion to my energy..everything and more was all due to her. I lived for this one woman... I was created, conceived and born to serve only her... but I guess women don't want to be queens and they don't want a man who adores them enough to be a subject, a slave, a lover, a brother, a friend and a husband...perhaps my breed of man, like the Dodo, is extinct even before we get a chance to exist.
Wild Horses
She took my heart and ran away. She did it violently... unfeelingly...unflinching... and I thought that I was cold! I felt like a victim chained to two charriots of wild horses. I felt like my heart was being torn apart....I could feel the knife sink in slow... I could feel it being malevolently and slowly twisted to make sure that every artery and vein was torn and damaged... I could feel the pain tear my soul in half. I begged for someone to punch my chest hard to beat the broken pieces of my heart back togetether... when she dumped me... A man died... A soul was extinguished...
I walk around hollow these days and even the thought of getting close to someone else sends a chill of pain through my heart that stops me dead in my tracks... Perhaps I'll never be able to give my heart to anyone else. How can I give what I don't even have? My heart was forcefully taken from me... a long time ago...
So that's why I'm jaded... But not for long.. Fuck it.. I'm a worker.. I'm a machine.. I'm built to withstand lots of pressure and to persist in working and creating.... perhaps I'll never have my dynasty.. perhaps even the woman I later dedicate my being to will also ignore my fervent desire to serve... perhaps I'm not built to be in a relationship...
....That's ok.. my heart is somewhere across town.. In an urn underneath someone's bed, burried with the relics of her past...
....That's ok... I'm a worker bee...we weren't built to mate...
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