A Kenyan Dating Nightmare

I've just received this email from a friend. I found it so funny that I'm going to reproduce it here and shamelessly ignore any copyright that was not mentioned. (warning: This post has heavy cultural subtext. It can only be understood if you are a Kenyan or understand Kenyan and Kikuyu lingo)


I found this hilarious because every dude and chic, including myself, have been in this position (eh..em.. situation) once or twice.

Chic: (calls jmburus) "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. we do some
nyama ?"

jmburus: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawa
sweetie.. how about buffet park Shall I pick u at 2 ?"

Chic: Sawa.. laterz.

(jmburus amukas from Friday's hengies, showers, jeans n polo shirt, pockets
a pack of condoms, then drives to the chics crib..

So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order
the nyaks.)

jmburus: (to chic) : So what do u want to have .. ?

Chic: just anything...

(aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyo ni jibu gani)

jmburus: (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu , kilo moja na nusu , choma, ...
ikuje na kachum... *..**

(chic interrupts jmburus ! )

Chic: APANA eeiishh ! Si you know I dont eat goat meat

(jmburus thinks to himself... " Really !... then why didnt you say so in
the first place, nugu hii")

jmburus: (To chic) How about beef then ?

Chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont like
mathunya

(jmburus looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself... "ati fat,
you are already carrying a 40 kilo MATAKO, surely ... 2 grams of fat are
negligible)

jmburus: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe haina
mafuta.

(butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma and holds it
up for mburus to see)

jmburus: weka hiyo nione...

(as the butcher is weighing it on the
scale...chic point at a small ,.. very very small piece of fat on the meat)

Chic: Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana, tuonyeshe ingine...

(butcher curses .. under his breath)

(other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start fidgeting)

(jmburus feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fat
jang'o women they pitad on their way in)

(Chic points at a fresh carcass of meat ... somewhere near where the meat
is hanging from such that is impossible to extract a piece without the
entire carcass falling down on the floor)

Chic: kata pale ...

butcher: hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti

(butcher attempts to return the piece back on the scale)

Chic: Apana !.. Hauna nyama zingine kwa store...

jmburus: (to chic) lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat the
mathunya pieces ama... ?

Chic: OK

jmburus:(to butcher) Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania na spinach.
Ongeza ugali mbili...

Chic: (to jmburus) .. Ugali ? me I dont want ugg.. Dont they have chipos.

Chic: (to butcher) leta na ugali moja na chips mbili

(jmburus thinks to himself... no wonder the butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoid
animal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haoni
kundule)

Butcher: KAMAU !!! Oya nyama ino ! ni furae , na wikire nyanya, dhania na
spinashi. ndugekire waaru..

(butcher pins the meat with a tag and tosses it to kamau in the kichen
behind him)

Butcher : Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53.. Itachukwa ithaa moja...

jmburus pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag.

So we enter the open space of the club and sit down.
Waiter comes , jmburus orders his cold Tusker, chic orders her malt..

We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda... then there is this mama who pitaz a
tray of oil oozing samosas , sausages and mshikakis..........

Chic: we psst ppstt nipe samosa mbili na hiyo niniii ...

jmburus: (shocked).. haiya si u wait for the meat..

Chic: I will still kula the meat...

jmburus: ok

(and she proceeds to kula 2 samoz and 3 mshikakis)

One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto for
washing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the
chipos and the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice...

"Bonne Appetit" ! .. Karibu Nyama " ... Jmburus invites the mama and
thinks to himself.. now she will really shiba...

LAKINI WAPI !
Yaani after all that shiet, she just hen pecks about the platter of meat
here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2 plates of chipoz having eaten
only 3 pieces of nyama.

As if that is NOT ENOUGH ... 3 minutes later:

Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter ! niletee serviettes pliz..na
toothpicks

jmburus: (cursing silently ) why arent you eating nyama....

Chic: I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u jua
the way they can be nasty..

(without another word jmburus proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter
to pack the rest of the meat in a juala)

Jmburus patias waiter the now wrapped remaining meat to peleka to his car
...
...
Then he fungulias the carburattor (sp ) "LETA TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili"
as they wait for the Arsenal Match coming on the screens in about 20
mins..

Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours...
to the amazement of jmburus...

Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! niitie yule mama wa sambusa...

...(jmburus closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have
headed to Topaz..Fish n chips...

( So later on at around 12:30 am Jmburus takes the chick to the car and
starts being naughty kidogo. the chick responds well and before long they
are catching rubs like .....)

jmburus: baby .. baby .. si we go to somewhere more private?? ??

Chic: aaah.. aaah... you naughty boy!!! rrrrrrr. sure whats on your mind?

Jmburus: I will show you

( jmburu drives like a mad man in anticipation of what is at stake ' 40kg
of pure booty' occassionaly missing the gears and going way up her tiny
skirt.)
before long they get to jmburus hao.Catch all the way to the fifth floor.

jmburu: ( both already half naked, jmburu tries to chuck her pants)

Chic: weeee iz how............ what you trying to do?

Jmburu: (amazed Stunned Look) kwani what do you think ?

Chic:: bilaz I dont want!!

Jmburu: come on babe!

Chic: ( pulling a very serious look) NO! Dont do that !

Jmburu: hala ! whats the matter! ( thinking! si thamutha umekula ? na
viazi vya mafuta? )

Chic: I cant

Jmburu: ( tusker malt tano na nyama ya ngombe fry? shuma Razima irare
ndani!)

Chic: I'm rolling !!!

Jmburu: Sh*T!!!

PS: Conclusion : TABIA MBAYA âEUR¦ That was the last time I took her out.

Filed under: Encounter of the week